Myths about the health care bill that are actually true...that republicans don't want you to know!

#1
If you read certain parts of the bill backwards, you will summon the ghost of Michael Landon, dressed as Pa Ingells. He will try to have a bonding moment with you where he uses an analogy of breaking in a horse to explain why the economy is taking so long to recover. You don't have time for this, so quickly stab with him a spork while humming the theme music to Bonanza and he will dissipate.

#2
One provision of the bill allows doctors to prioritize patients according to attractiveness. Conversely, it also allows patients to pay doctors not based on their ability, but on their own attractiveness. This will ensure that if you are ugly, you might not get seen first, but if you can deem your doctor to be ugly, then you can opt not pay him/her very much. It's a win/win.

#3
Parents who cannot afford vaccines for their children can play "Vaccine Roulette," where upon the nurse shows them six syringes, five of which contain the vaccine and one which contains air. Good luck, poor dad.

#4
People facing end of life issues are not send to death panels. Instead, they're beaten to death with pieces from the set of "The Munsters."

#5
Doctors will be randomly selected and mandated to participate on a quiz show hosted by a pantless Paula Poundstone. The winner will get to keep their license. The losing physicians must report to Paula's dressing room to shave her back.

#6
Penile reduction is a necessary surgery for men whose penises are bigger than the current President.

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL TEA PARTY!!!

Rejected Febreeze Odor Names as Commented on By My Father

Arabian Breeze
Enjoy the invigorating whiffs of refined petroleum. You know the smell; the smell of U.S. foreign oil dependency; of turning a blind-eye to horrendous human rights abuses against women and children in order to not rile OPEC. Enjoy your $2.60 gas, asshole.

Brazilian Carnivale
Ah, to be in Rio during Carnivale. The colors. The music. The vomit. The ball sweat. You like Brazil? Fuck you. Put your money where your mouth is and get a Brazilian wax, faggot. Get drunk and prance around in the street wearing nothing but a feather boa and a pair of cut-offs...on your head.

Island Refreshment
You think islands are refreshing, huh? A place for physical and emotional rejuvenation? What about American Samoa? Timor Leste? Hispaniola? Yeah, let's take a vacation to the Dominican! We'll stay in an aluminum shack, beg for pennies, and scout future baseball players. Then when life gets too stressful, we'll saunter on over to Haiti...

Green Meadows
Sure, green meadows. Why not? Better hope you don't have allergies. Ragweed. Pollen. Ants. Ticks. Eastern diamondback rattlesnakes. What? You're allergic to eastern diamondback rattlesnakes? Man, what a pussy. I love the smell of green meadows, don't you? Unless that green meadow is where cows graze because guess what...then it's also going to smell like cow-shit and cow after-birth.

Poop
Why even try to mask the odor of your feces? It's only a matter of time before the air in the bathroom is befouled again. What, is this the last time your shit is actually going to smell like shit? It's hopeless. Anyway, that's why they have matches. Oh, I see. The smell of your shit is too godamn good for matches. Well la-dee-frickin'-da. Hope you're not late for the opera, fag-a-rotti.

Porno Plots That Went Wrong

*If McSweeneys already has something like this (and they probably do) just know that the plagiarism is unintentional. Honestly.
Pizza Guy
Pizza guy comes over to deliver pizza to two scantily clad sorority sisters. When the girls discover they have no money, they offer an "alternative" payment for the pizza: Some ancient Roman coins that one of the girls' father found on an expedition in Italy. By coincidence, the pizza delivery boy is an archaeology major at the same college. The girl gives him her father's business card and the boy is able to intern with the professor. While serving as his intern, the professor dies in a tragic accident in Greece, leaving the young man with the task of telling his daughter about his untimely demise. Upon hearing the news, the girl is so overcome with grief that she is emotionally vulnerable. After a few weeks, her and the boy (who has been there for her during this time) have too much to drink and have sex. The next morning she apologizes and says she's not ready for a long-term relationship. The boy understands because he was actually attracted to the other girl from the beginning. After waiting the obligatory two days, the boy returns and asks out the other sorority sister. He gets a blow-job on the first date.

Pool Cleaner
Raul and Julio are cleaning the pool of a rich heiress. While the men toil, shirtless in the hot sun, the heiress sits poolside, sipping iced-tea, periodically letting ice-cubes melt on her heaving breasts. Suddenly, she asks the men if they are in the country legally. Raul and Julio reluctantly admit they are not. The heiress is not offended by this in the least and explains that her father, a staunch Democrat, actually gives money to La Raza, L.U.L.A.C. and other organizations that help illegal immigrants. Raul and Julio are surprised and then confess to the heiress that they were only cleaning the pool in order to scope out the mansion so they could break-in at a later time. Instead of being outraged, the heiress takes pity upon the plight of these men and offers them twice the payment. Raul and Julio humbly accept, finish their job, and leave. That night, Raul thinks of the heiress while having sex with Julio's wife.

Art History Professor
Langdon, a professor of art history at a prestigious university, has a crush on one of his female students. Not only is she hot, but she's totally into art history, especially the phallic imagery seen in many Mesopotamian sculptures. After one class, where she wears a blouse with a plunging neck-line, he invites her back to his office to show her a book on something or other. Once they are there, Langdon makes a point to stand close to her while reaching for a book, any book. There's an awkward silence. As Langdon goes in for the kiss, the young lady blurts out "Rape!" and runs from the office. Despite being tenured, Langdon is fired and in a cruel twist of irony, finds work at a art museum as a custodian. He's then fired from that job and arrested for using his cell-phone to take pictures of women while they are using the toilet. While in jail, he teaches a prison art class to the other convicts, one of whom, shanks Langdon with a paint-brush after he is too critical of the inmate's art. He is also sodomized.

Cable Guy
The cable guy comes over to fix the cable at Marie's house. Marie is showering when he arrives and has to answer the door wearing a towel that for some reason says "Fuck me, please." The cable guy goes to work on the cable and discovers that something has chewed through the outside line. In a rare show of honesty, the cable guy tells Marie that she should consider getting Comcast Satellite television, which is what he has in his own home. Marie says she's heard satellite t.v. is just as unreliable as cable and is skeptical of the cable guy. Suddenly another cable guy shows up who is actually the real cable guy. The first guy is really a Comcast employee who intercepted the service call. The two cable men engage in a fist fight in the front lawn. The fight ends when the second man bludgeons the Comcast guy with a pavement stone. The sight of the blood shocks the cable guy with the realization of what he's done and he runs off. Marie calls the cops and cries because she will miss "Damages." She has no other choice but to masturbate and cry herself to sleep.

$2150

My teacher bonus...er...incentive pay for this year is $2150. Don't worry, I'll only see $1466.44 after taxes. Gotta pay for Obama's condoms somehow, right? (I can make that joke because I voted for him).

The largest bonus given on my campus was $7865; went to an 8th grade science teacher who I know works pretty hard. I checked my previous campus which has now been rated "Unacceptable" two years in a row by TEA. The largest bonus there went to a social studies teacher, $5250. The principal there only got $2056.50. At my kids' elementary school, their teachers' bonuses were considerably less. $1275 to be exact. I mentor a teacher at Henry Middle School. Of all the teachers at Henry, only 3 will receive incentive pay. $2500 each.

I take a lot of pride in what I do. I teach a subject that has no curriculum or standards for the grades that I teach. I take over 100 students to tournaments throughout the year which eat up entire weekends. I coach them in over a dozen events. However, I feel pretty confident in saying that every teacher mentioned above works harder than I do. In some cases, they are rewarded. In others, they are done a dis-service. Most of them have students who bring issues into the class that I don't see where I'm at.

I don't really care about the posting of teacher bonuses. It's a small price to pay to let the public know that our superintendent is getting a bonus that is nearly twice as much as what I take home every year. This is why I think our salaries should also be posted. So the public can understand the bonus within the context of what we usually see. It'll add another level of despair. They won't ever post our salaries so I'll have to tell you mine:

$48, 506.

Now, before you start making me your Uncle Obama and asking me for loans, let me say a few things. I pay $445 before taxes for my medical insurance. You may not be familiar with my provider option. It's the one with the $1000 per/family member deductible before the insurance kicks in. Sarah has no problem racking up $1000. She can do that in her sleep, God bless her. It's just the rest of us relatively healthy folks who are scrambling to pay for doctor's visits till we rack up $1000 (and then we're only covered for in-network providers for 80%) Remember, that's $1,000 per person in our family.

In one year, our insurance costs $10,500. So, let's see...subtract that from my salary and it's about $38000. Subtract my federal taxes and I'm down to about $37,200 (I claim my wife and 3 kids, thank you very much). This breaks down to about $1400 per pay period.

Bonus $1466. Every two weeks $1400 (it's actually slightly less, but what's fifty dollars or so when you're buying used tires and store-brand groceries?)

A good friend of mine is teaching in Aldine. I don't know if Aldine gives bonuses, but last year he taught at Sam Houston. He was fired in June as they "reconstituted" the school, even though his English students had made gains (as evident by his bonus of $2900). In fact, the highest bonus for any math teacher at Sam is $500. All the teacher bonuses above that went to english and social studies teachers, which means their students made substantial gains. And they closed the school why?...Oh, that's right...to save their own administrative behinds.

In a broke system like public education, there are many broken pieces. Incentive pay is one of them. Where I'm at, it's about as good as it will ever get. When I got hired at Lanier, I almost felt like I had won the lottery. But I do have some guilt. The record amount in bonuses paid out this year could've gone towards computer labs, math tutors, afterschool programs, field trips, etc. Teachers are underpaid, that's a given. But you don't fill in a hole with dirt dug from another hole.

Obama's Alternate Inauguration Address

Thank you. My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. And that is why I am officially resigning as your Commander In Chief.

I know this comes as a crushing disappointment to all of you gathered here today, as well as over half of this great nation. But seriously, I've been thinking a lot about all the problems this country faces, and while I have a lot of confidence in myself, I don't think I'm up to the task of trying fix everything. You got the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, health care, immigration, education, etc. In short, this country is pretty fucked. I'm a capable and competent man, no doubt, but there is no way I'm going to be able to being to unravel this mess. I'm just being realistic.

I would like to urge you to not be too judgmental. I mean, people get cold feet all the time. Folks back out of buying and selling homes...well, the ones that haven't been foreclosed on. People welsh on dinner plans. Individuals leave fiances at the altar. Happens more often than you think. And sure, it hurts. But 6 months later, after people hit rock bottom and sober up, they start to put their lives back together. The same will be true for you. Needless to say, you will all go on a very self-destructive tear. But a year from now, you'll look back on this and be grateful I had the maturity and wisdom to see that I really didn't want to do this.

I'll admit, the past couple of months have been a blast. Picking people to fill posts. Attending parties and receiving well-wishes from all over the planet. That part has been very enjoyable. But I was sitting there the other night after having watched "Vantage Point," "JFK," and "Wag The Dog" and it hit me: Being President really looks like a lot of work, not to mention insanely dangerous. Are you really expecting to sacrifice my personal safety, as well as the safety of my family just to sit there and take the blame for all the shitty things that happen to this country? No thank you.

Also, Joe Biden wanted me to tell you that he's not interested either. In fact, I think he's already left for Delaware.

So, where do we go from here? I don't bail on people without making sure they are in good hands. That's why I have transfered control of the country to the highest bidder, which, as of earlier this morning, is Mr. Tom Cruise. I know, I was surprised too. But with the economy the way it is, not many companies were in a position to make the bids I expected. But there was Mr. Cruise, at the last minute, with something like, $48 billion. Which is way more than I would've received from lobbyists, no matter how many terms I was in office. So you don't need to worry about me. The Obama's are going to be all right, in our island in an undisclosed location which I've purchased.

So in closing, let me say that it's been fun, America. You have had a hand in shaping history by electing the first black President. But I took it one step further and made history by resigning after only being in office for twenty minutes. Suck on that. I will now turn it over to Tom Cruise, who will begin by explaining his national fertility initiative and policy regarding the sacrificing of first born children to his god. Speaking of god, God bless. Barack out!

The writers of "Lost" re-write the Bible story of Noah: Pt. 1

We open on Noah, startled awake on a pile of straw. He is surrounded by a bizarre menagerie. He stumbles around what appears to be stable after stable inhabited by tigers, moose, anacondas, chinchillas and the like. He catches the glimpse of a figure passing in the distance from one stable to the next. Noah chases after the figure, but when he gets to the stable where he saw it enter, there is only a pair of wolves mating. He turns to look out a nearby window and sees nothing but a vast ocean and pouring rain.

(Whoosh)

Noah is younger and sitting in his tent, drawing crude pictures of what will eventually be the ark. His youngest son Japheth enters and tells his father that he is ready for a second wife. Noah discusses the possibility of marrying Ham's oldest daughter, as there are no other people on the planet at this time, except the evil-doers who will soon be drowned.

(Whoosh)

Mrs. Noah is on the ark, trying to recapture a pair of black widow spiders that got loose. Noah enters the scene and Mrs. Noah scolds him for being drunk and passing out. Noah tells her he had the dream again about the colorful streaks in the sky. Mrs. Noah tells him to go shovel the rhinoceros diarrhea.

Ham shoots down Japheth's idea of using the birds' eggs as food for other animals. Ham is rather curt with Japheth. When Japheth leaves, Ham goes and makes out with a camel.

(Whoosh)

Ham is yelling at his Noah about the giving of his daugther to Japheth. Noah tries to reason with Ham that he has given Ham more cloaks and concubines than Japheth over the past few years and that Ham shouldn't take offense at this. Ham storms off.

(Whoosh)

Sham's wife tells him that he is by far the smartest man on the boat and should be in charge. Sham at first rejects this idea, but starts to consider it once his wife tells him that she had a dream that Sham lead the boat to safety.

(Whoosh)

Sham is tracking the path of a shadow of some sticks he's planted in the dirt. Ham comes up and kicks them away and mocks Sham's weak stature and tells Sham what a loser Sham is. Ham brags to Sham that he's twelve and now old enough to marry his ten year old sister. Sham tells Ham he is a brute. Ham punches Sham and starts beating him until Mrs. Noah breaks it up.

(Whoosh)

Noah walks through the stalls at night, checking on all the animals. Japheth comes to him and tells him he feels bad for taking Ham's daughter as his wife. Noah tells him it's okay. Japheth leaves.

Noah notices the figure in the distance again. He runs to catch up to it. When he gets there, he sees a man. When Noah asks who he is, the man replies that he is one of the "evil-doers" who almost drowned. When Noah tries to remove the man, he tells Noah that he better not tell anyone about him or he will kill everyone aboard.

"Noah"

"Sound of Music" director's cut, if the director is a 7th grade boy

1. The scene where Christopher Plummer slaps Leisl on the ass with the book.

2. The line where the Baroness tells Christopher Plummer that she's known for throwing some rather "gay" parties.

3. The line in "My Favorite Things" where Julie Andrews asks the children what their favorite things are, and one of the kids yells "Pussywillows!"

4. Anytime sometime calls Christopher Plummer's character name, Georg, which is pronounced "Gay-org."

5. The line that Max has where he asks the kids "What's wrong with you bunch of gloomy pusses?"



Total running time of director's cut, not including pause for laughter and follow-up jokes :23 seconds.