celebrity dictionary vol. 1

Braff ( Zack Braff) - (v) what a man does to woo women with awkward quirkiness. "Man, that guy's a dork, but he sure gets the girls because he's always braffing it."

Linney (Laura Linney) - (v) to physically tremble in a heightened emotional state. "When she got the news her brother was killed in Iraq, she was linney-ing pretty hard-core and spilled her coffee."

Farina (Dennis Farina) - (n) where the penis attaches to the body. "When his ex-wife castrated him she got him all the way up to the farina, and then some."

Peet (Amanda Peet) - (n. pl.) the small pieces of mud debris that fall off a truck and hit your windshield. "I was stuck behind this bulldozer in traffic and all these damn peets kept falling off it and hitting my car."

Vanderbeek (James Vanderbeek) - (adv.) a manner of walking in an eager to please fashion because no one knows who the fuck you are anymore. "That guy walked vanderbeekly up to the front of the class to read his speech on high school football."

Dunst (Kirsten Dunst) - (v) the spillage that occurs when pouring a liquid out of a container. "Everytime I pour the coffee from that karafe, it dunsts all over the counter."

I Promise To Eat Your Brains And Ravage Your Corpse In The Least Offensive Manner Possible

Ted Vernon,
Zombie

Hello, friend. As you can probably tell by the tattered burial suit I'm wearing and the decaying flesh underneath, I am a zombie...yeah, and the stench. Let's not leave that out. Anyway, you probably know what I'm here for, but I'm gonna be frank with you: I'm going to eat your brains and have sex with your dying corpse, but let me assure you that I will do everything I can to make it as easy for you as I possibly can.

Unlike a lot of my peers, I have what most people call "manners." Recall that I knocked on your door and you answered. I didn't just kick it in, only to have you close it on me and my flailing arms. By the way, I did take some time to water your geraniums out there. They're looking a little wilted. They'll be okay, they just needed some water. I had quite the green thumb before I had...you know...an actual green thumb from the gangrene.

If you could just lay on the couch or just put yourself in a prone position anywhere; remember, I'll work around you. We can go in the bathroom if you're concerned about the mess. There will be quite a mess, let me tell you! But see, that's the thing: at least I'm telling you now.

I can't say I enjoy consuming gray matter and getting it on with your lifeless body anymore than you enjoy going to the bathroom. You gotta do it, right? Your life depends on it, right? Same here. I'm like one of those creatures that sucks blood...a lawyer. Ha, ha! Come on, you know that was funny. Told you I was different.

What? "Do I drive a zombie-car?" You watch way too many movies. I still drive my old Camry, dude! It's hard, though, because my left eye keeps falling out of my socket, and I have no feeling in my extremities.

Well, I've really enjoyed our chat, but I really do need to get started here. Hey, look on the bright side. Not everyone gets to say they were eaten and ravaged by zombies...You never saw movies where zombies had sex with the people they killed? Again, my friend, you have been misled by Hollywood...Well, you'll just have to trust me on this one.

The Berenstein Bears And Mama's Black Eye

It was a bright sunny spring morning in Bear Country. Brother and Sister bounded downstairs for their breakfast. Mama was making her trademark flapjacks. "Good morning, Mama," they said. Then Mama turned around. That was when Brother and Sister noticed something odd: Mama had a black eye.

"Gee, Mama. What happened?" asked Sister. "Did you run into a doorknob, like I did that time?" asked Brother. "No. I--uh--just fell down," replied Mama. "Here's your flapjacks!"

Papa Bear came down for breakfast. He looked very cross and mumbled something when he sat down. Nobody said anything for a long time. "Well," said Mama nervously. "Brother, what are you doing today?" "Well, we're going to the field to play baseball. Too-Tall and his gang were there yesterday, but then my friend Terry stood up to him and smacked him, pow! Right in his kisser!" Mama jumped in her chair. Then she stood up and left the room.

"What's wrong with Mama?" asked Sister. "Why are you looking at me?" replied Papa. "How should I know? All I know is that a certain someone overcooked the meatloaf last night and then another certain somebody got indigestion and then the first somebody made a rude comment about the other person's flatulence. So get off my case!"

Papa bear stood up and left the room. Brother and Sister just looked at each other. Then they smiled and reached for Papa's flapjacks.