#1
If you read certain parts of the bill backwards, you will summon the ghost of Michael Landon, dressed as Pa Ingells. He will try to have a bonding moment with you where he uses an analogy of breaking in a horse to explain why the economy is taking so long to recover. You don't have time for this, so quickly stab with him a spork while humming the theme music to Bonanza and he will dissipate.
#2
One provision of the bill allows doctors to prioritize patients according to attractiveness. Conversely, it also allows patients to pay doctors not based on their ability, but on their own attractiveness. This will ensure that if you are ugly, you might not get seen first, but if you can deem your doctor to be ugly, then you can opt not pay him/her very much. It's a win/win.
#3
Parents who cannot afford vaccines for their children can play "Vaccine Roulette," where upon the nurse shows them six syringes, five of which contain the vaccine and one which contains air. Good luck, poor dad.
#4
People facing end of life issues are not send to death panels. Instead, they're beaten to death with pieces from the set of "The Munsters."
#5
Doctors will be randomly selected and mandated to participate on a quiz show hosted by a pantless Paula Poundstone. The winner will get to keep their license. The losing physicians must report to Paula's dressing room to shave her back.
#6
Penile reduction is a necessary surgery for men whose penises are bigger than the current President.
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL TEA PARTY!!!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Rejected Febreeze Odor Names as Commented on By My Father
Arabian Breeze
Enjoy the invigorating whiffs of refined petroleum. You know the smell; the smell of U.S. foreign oil dependency; of turning a blind-eye to horrendous human rights abuses against women and children in order to not rile OPEC. Enjoy your $2.60 gas, asshole.
Brazilian Carnivale
Ah, to be in Rio during Carnivale. The colors. The music. The vomit. The ball sweat. You like Brazil? Fuck you. Put your money where your mouth is and get a Brazilian wax, faggot. Get drunk and prance around in the street wearing nothing but a feather boa and a pair of cut-offs...on your head.
Island Refreshment
You think islands are refreshing, huh? A place for physical and emotional rejuvenation? What about American Samoa? Timor Leste? Hispaniola? Yeah, let's take a vacation to the Dominican! We'll stay in an aluminum shack, beg for pennies, and scout future baseball players. Then when life gets too stressful, we'll saunter on over to Haiti...
Green Meadows
Sure, green meadows. Why not? Better hope you don't have allergies. Ragweed. Pollen. Ants. Ticks. Eastern diamondback rattlesnakes. What? You're allergic to eastern diamondback rattlesnakes? Man, what a pussy. I love the smell of green meadows, don't you? Unless that green meadow is where cows graze because guess what...then it's also going to smell like cow-shit and cow after-birth.
Poop
Why even try to mask the odor of your feces? It's only a matter of time before the air in the bathroom is befouled again. What, is this the last time your shit is actually going to smell like shit? It's hopeless. Anyway, that's why they have matches. Oh, I see. The smell of your shit is too godamn good for matches. Well la-dee-frickin'-da. Hope you're not late for the opera, fag-a-rotti.
Enjoy the invigorating whiffs of refined petroleum. You know the smell; the smell of U.S. foreign oil dependency; of turning a blind-eye to horrendous human rights abuses against women and children in order to not rile OPEC. Enjoy your $2.60 gas, asshole.
Brazilian Carnivale
Ah, to be in Rio during Carnivale. The colors. The music. The vomit. The ball sweat. You like Brazil? Fuck you. Put your money where your mouth is and get a Brazilian wax, faggot. Get drunk and prance around in the street wearing nothing but a feather boa and a pair of cut-offs...on your head.
Island Refreshment
You think islands are refreshing, huh? A place for physical and emotional rejuvenation? What about American Samoa? Timor Leste? Hispaniola? Yeah, let's take a vacation to the Dominican! We'll stay in an aluminum shack, beg for pennies, and scout future baseball players. Then when life gets too stressful, we'll saunter on over to Haiti...
Green Meadows
Sure, green meadows. Why not? Better hope you don't have allergies. Ragweed. Pollen. Ants. Ticks. Eastern diamondback rattlesnakes. What? You're allergic to eastern diamondback rattlesnakes? Man, what a pussy. I love the smell of green meadows, don't you? Unless that green meadow is where cows graze because guess what...then it's also going to smell like cow-shit and cow after-birth.
Poop
Why even try to mask the odor of your feces? It's only a matter of time before the air in the bathroom is befouled again. What, is this the last time your shit is actually going to smell like shit? It's hopeless. Anyway, that's why they have matches. Oh, I see. The smell of your shit is too godamn good for matches. Well la-dee-frickin'-da. Hope you're not late for the opera, fag-a-rotti.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Porno Plots That Went Wrong
*If McSweeneys already has something like this (and they probably do) just know that the plagiarism is unintentional. Honestly.
Pizza Guy
Pizza guy comes over to deliver pizza to two scantily clad sorority sisters. When the girls discover they have no money, they offer an "alternative" payment for the pizza: Some ancient Roman coins that one of the girls' father found on an expedition in Italy. By coincidence, the pizza delivery boy is an archaeology major at the same college. The girl gives him her father's business card and the boy is able to intern with the professor. While serving as his intern, the professor dies in a tragic accident in Greece, leaving the young man with the task of telling his daughter about his untimely demise. Upon hearing the news, the girl is so overcome with grief that she is emotionally vulnerable. After a few weeks, her and the boy (who has been there for her during this time) have too much to drink and have sex. The next morning she apologizes and says she's not ready for a long-term relationship. The boy understands because he was actually attracted to the other girl from the beginning. After waiting the obligatory two days, the boy returns and asks out the other sorority sister. He gets a blow-job on the first date.
Pool Cleaner
Raul and Julio are cleaning the pool of a rich heiress. While the men toil, shirtless in the hot sun, the heiress sits poolside, sipping iced-tea, periodically letting ice-cubes melt on her heaving breasts. Suddenly, she asks the men if they are in the country legally. Raul and Julio reluctantly admit they are not. The heiress is not offended by this in the least and explains that her father, a staunch Democrat, actually gives money to La Raza, L.U.L.A.C. and other organizations that help illegal immigrants. Raul and Julio are surprised and then confess to the heiress that they were only cleaning the pool in order to scope out the mansion so they could break-in at a later time. Instead of being outraged, the heiress takes pity upon the plight of these men and offers them twice the payment. Raul and Julio humbly accept, finish their job, and leave. That night, Raul thinks of the heiress while having sex with Julio's wife.
Art History Professor
Langdon, a professor of art history at a prestigious university, has a crush on one of his female students. Not only is she hot, but she's totally into art history, especially the phallic imagery seen in many Mesopotamian sculptures. After one class, where she wears a blouse with a plunging neck-line, he invites her back to his office to show her a book on something or other. Once they are there, Langdon makes a point to stand close to her while reaching for a book, any book. There's an awkward silence. As Langdon goes in for the kiss, the young lady blurts out "Rape!" and runs from the office. Despite being tenured, Langdon is fired and in a cruel twist of irony, finds work at a art museum as a custodian. He's then fired from that job and arrested for using his cell-phone to take pictures of women while they are using the toilet. While in jail, he teaches a prison art class to the other convicts, one of whom, shanks Langdon with a paint-brush after he is too critical of the inmate's art. He is also sodomized.
Cable Guy
The cable guy comes over to fix the cable at Marie's house. Marie is showering when he arrives and has to answer the door wearing a towel that for some reason says "Fuck me, please." The cable guy goes to work on the cable and discovers that something has chewed through the outside line. In a rare show of honesty, the cable guy tells Marie that she should consider getting Comcast Satellite television, which is what he has in his own home. Marie says she's heard satellite t.v. is just as unreliable as cable and is skeptical of the cable guy. Suddenly another cable guy shows up who is actually the real cable guy. The first guy is really a Comcast employee who intercepted the service call. The two cable men engage in a fist fight in the front lawn. The fight ends when the second man bludgeons the Comcast guy with a pavement stone. The sight of the blood shocks the cable guy with the realization of what he's done and he runs off. Marie calls the cops and cries because she will miss "Damages." She has no other choice but to masturbate and cry herself to sleep.
Pizza Guy
Pizza guy comes over to deliver pizza to two scantily clad sorority sisters. When the girls discover they have no money, they offer an "alternative" payment for the pizza: Some ancient Roman coins that one of the girls' father found on an expedition in Italy. By coincidence, the pizza delivery boy is an archaeology major at the same college. The girl gives him her father's business card and the boy is able to intern with the professor. While serving as his intern, the professor dies in a tragic accident in Greece, leaving the young man with the task of telling his daughter about his untimely demise. Upon hearing the news, the girl is so overcome with grief that she is emotionally vulnerable. After a few weeks, her and the boy (who has been there for her during this time) have too much to drink and have sex. The next morning she apologizes and says she's not ready for a long-term relationship. The boy understands because he was actually attracted to the other girl from the beginning. After waiting the obligatory two days, the boy returns and asks out the other sorority sister. He gets a blow-job on the first date.
Pool Cleaner
Raul and Julio are cleaning the pool of a rich heiress. While the men toil, shirtless in the hot sun, the heiress sits poolside, sipping iced-tea, periodically letting ice-cubes melt on her heaving breasts. Suddenly, she asks the men if they are in the country legally. Raul and Julio reluctantly admit they are not. The heiress is not offended by this in the least and explains that her father, a staunch Democrat, actually gives money to La Raza, L.U.L.A.C. and other organizations that help illegal immigrants. Raul and Julio are surprised and then confess to the heiress that they were only cleaning the pool in order to scope out the mansion so they could break-in at a later time. Instead of being outraged, the heiress takes pity upon the plight of these men and offers them twice the payment. Raul and Julio humbly accept, finish their job, and leave. That night, Raul thinks of the heiress while having sex with Julio's wife.
Art History Professor
Langdon, a professor of art history at a prestigious university, has a crush on one of his female students. Not only is she hot, but she's totally into art history, especially the phallic imagery seen in many Mesopotamian sculptures. After one class, where she wears a blouse with a plunging neck-line, he invites her back to his office to show her a book on something or other. Once they are there, Langdon makes a point to stand close to her while reaching for a book, any book. There's an awkward silence. As Langdon goes in for the kiss, the young lady blurts out "Rape!" and runs from the office. Despite being tenured, Langdon is fired and in a cruel twist of irony, finds work at a art museum as a custodian. He's then fired from that job and arrested for using his cell-phone to take pictures of women while they are using the toilet. While in jail, he teaches a prison art class to the other convicts, one of whom, shanks Langdon with a paint-brush after he is too critical of the inmate's art. He is also sodomized.
Cable Guy
The cable guy comes over to fix the cable at Marie's house. Marie is showering when he arrives and has to answer the door wearing a towel that for some reason says "Fuck me, please." The cable guy goes to work on the cable and discovers that something has chewed through the outside line. In a rare show of honesty, the cable guy tells Marie that she should consider getting Comcast Satellite television, which is what he has in his own home. Marie says she's heard satellite t.v. is just as unreliable as cable and is skeptical of the cable guy. Suddenly another cable guy shows up who is actually the real cable guy. The first guy is really a Comcast employee who intercepted the service call. The two cable men engage in a fist fight in the front lawn. The fight ends when the second man bludgeons the Comcast guy with a pavement stone. The sight of the blood shocks the cable guy with the realization of what he's done and he runs off. Marie calls the cops and cries because she will miss "Damages." She has no other choice but to masturbate and cry herself to sleep.
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