From the Diary of Samuel W. Thornchesterworthingbergerton the 23rd of Dec., 1899

A merry Yuletide to all!

As this year draws his last gasps, I feel a matter of great import must be disclosed: namely, our Christmas letter. So sit back with your tea, coffee, or glass of absinthe, and enjoy reliving some fantastic moments in our year.

For starters, my son, Uriah, returned home from the war with the Spaniards. Although my great luxury afforded him a position well out of combat, we are nonetheless grateful for his safe return. Puzzlingly enough, he brought home a war comrade named Ernest, who rarely leaves his side. War has certainly brought these two gentlemen together. Why, one day, I found them in our pantry and Ernest was trying to help Uriah with the buttons on his pantaloons. Those two will have many days with their future wives and families to reminiscence about their war days.

On a sour note, my daughter has eloped with a common "newsie" as they are called. It seems she was rather emotionally invested in their strike over the summer. "Damn the lot of them!" I say. I was a newsie as a lad and was beaten with sticks if my yelling ceased for longer than three seconds and it made me the man I am today! I am never quiet for more than three seconds at a time. Our daughter has married him and is living in utter squalor on the east side of the city. "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Disgraceful daughter disowned by noble father!" I always have the last laugh!

My wife, Helene, had a scare earlier this year when she nearly choked on a biscuit. However, thanks to the whalebone corset holding her waist at an admirable 14 inch circumference, we were able to extract the rogue morsel and help her regain consciousness. She still has trouble navigating corners and doors, but for the most part is well on the road to recovery!

A new marvelous zoo has opened up in the Bronx, and we are quite fond of taking family trips to observe the tiger, the ape, and the elephant. I suggested to Helene that their zoo would be incomplete without her mother on display. I spoke this quite loudly (using my "newsie" voice) and drew quite a few chuckles from the crowd. Helene, had she truly understood my sarcasm (another side-effect of not breathing for several minutes), would've been very upset, but merely said she didn't think her mother would appreciate being hosed down for her morning bath.

Our year has had its ups and downs, and as we near the end of the century, many are predicting doom and the apocalypse. However, I say let it come! And take that bastard William McKinley with it!

Glorious yule!

S.W.T.