Letters to Dr. House

Dear Dr. House,

I am a caucasian male, 42. I suffer from a variety of symptoms that include anal bleeding, crooked eyebrow, and jelly knee. Can you help me? My condition is preventing from living my life-long dream of being appealing.

Sincerely,

Greg in DesMoines

Dear Greg,

I am not a doctor. I am an actor who plays a doctor for a fictional t.v. drama, which airs Mondays nights on FOX. I can do nothing to help your disgusting condition. However, it just so happens that "jelly knee" is the featured disease on next weeks episode, so please make sure you and all your friends watch it. Now please leave me alone.

Dr. House

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Dear Dr. House,

Help me, I'm dying! At least I think I'm dying. I am a twenty-four year old woman and yes, I am over-weight. I want lipo-suction, but my doctor tells me it would put me at a major health risk as I am a heavy bleeder. Please save me!

Tammy, Athens (Georgia)

Dear Tammy,

I don't know how you got my address, especially since you believe me to be Dr. House who has a fictional address on the hit t.v. show airing Monday nights on FOX. However, you sound nice. Maybe you should focus on your personality. Also, if you ever lose the weight, please send your old clothes to my friend Pedro. He's an artist who's doing this installation and he needs fat people clothing. It's hard to explain, you really just need to see it. Just send them when you stop being fat.

Sincerely,

Dr. House
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Dear Dr. House,

I am an 8-year old boy who has a rare disorder. My parents tell me I am cursed by god. Can I come stay at your hospital so you can solve my case at the last possible second with some treatment that breaks all the rules and beats all the odds?

Sincerely,

Eric, Chicago

Dear Eric,

Is your mom hot?

Sincerely,

Dr. House