I Promise To Eat Your Brains And Ravage Your Corpse In The Least Offensive Manner Possible

Ted Vernon,
Zombie

Hello, friend. As you can probably tell by the tattered burial suit I'm wearing and the decaying flesh underneath, I am a zombie...yeah, and the stench. Let's not leave that out. Anyway, you probably know what I'm here for, but I'm gonna be frank with you: I'm going to eat your brains and have sex with your dying corpse, but let me assure you that I will do everything I can to make it as easy for you as I possibly can.

Unlike a lot of my peers, I have what most people call "manners." Recall that I knocked on your door and you answered. I didn't just kick it in, only to have you close it on me and my flailing arms. By the way, I did take some time to water your geraniums out there. They're looking a little wilted. They'll be okay, they just needed some water. I had quite the green thumb before I had...you know...an actual green thumb from the gangrene.

If you could just lay on the couch or just put yourself in a prone position anywhere; remember, I'll work around you. We can go in the bathroom if you're concerned about the mess. There will be quite a mess, let me tell you! But see, that's the thing: at least I'm telling you now.

I can't say I enjoy consuming gray matter and getting it on with your lifeless body anymore than you enjoy going to the bathroom. You gotta do it, right? Your life depends on it, right? Same here. I'm like one of those creatures that sucks blood...a lawyer. Ha, ha! Come on, you know that was funny. Told you I was different.

What? "Do I drive a zombie-car?" You watch way too many movies. I still drive my old Camry, dude! It's hard, though, because my left eye keeps falling out of my socket, and I have no feeling in my extremities.

Well, I've really enjoyed our chat, but I really do need to get started here. Hey, look on the bright side. Not everyone gets to say they were eaten and ravaged by zombies...You never saw movies where zombies had sex with the people they killed? Again, my friend, you have been misled by Hollywood...Well, you'll just have to trust me on this one.