Obama's Alternate Inauguration Address

Thank you. My fellow citizens: I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. And that is why I am officially resigning as your Commander In Chief.

I know this comes as a crushing disappointment to all of you gathered here today, as well as over half of this great nation. But seriously, I've been thinking a lot about all the problems this country faces, and while I have a lot of confidence in myself, I don't think I'm up to the task of trying fix everything. You got the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, health care, immigration, education, etc. In short, this country is pretty fucked. I'm a capable and competent man, no doubt, but there is no way I'm going to be able to being to unravel this mess. I'm just being realistic.

I would like to urge you to not be too judgmental. I mean, people get cold feet all the time. Folks back out of buying and selling homes...well, the ones that haven't been foreclosed on. People welsh on dinner plans. Individuals leave fiances at the altar. Happens more often than you think. And sure, it hurts. But 6 months later, after people hit rock bottom and sober up, they start to put their lives back together. The same will be true for you. Needless to say, you will all go on a very self-destructive tear. But a year from now, you'll look back on this and be grateful I had the maturity and wisdom to see that I really didn't want to do this.

I'll admit, the past couple of months have been a blast. Picking people to fill posts. Attending parties and receiving well-wishes from all over the planet. That part has been very enjoyable. But I was sitting there the other night after having watched "Vantage Point," "JFK," and "Wag The Dog" and it hit me: Being President really looks like a lot of work, not to mention insanely dangerous. Are you really expecting to sacrifice my personal safety, as well as the safety of my family just to sit there and take the blame for all the shitty things that happen to this country? No thank you.

Also, Joe Biden wanted me to tell you that he's not interested either. In fact, I think he's already left for Delaware.

So, where do we go from here? I don't bail on people without making sure they are in good hands. That's why I have transfered control of the country to the highest bidder, which, as of earlier this morning, is Mr. Tom Cruise. I know, I was surprised too. But with the economy the way it is, not many companies were in a position to make the bids I expected. But there was Mr. Cruise, at the last minute, with something like, $48 billion. Which is way more than I would've received from lobbyists, no matter how many terms I was in office. So you don't need to worry about me. The Obama's are going to be all right, in our island in an undisclosed location which I've purchased.

So in closing, let me say that it's been fun, America. You have had a hand in shaping history by electing the first black President. But I took it one step further and made history by resigning after only being in office for twenty minutes. Suck on that. I will now turn it over to Tom Cruise, who will begin by explaining his national fertility initiative and policy regarding the sacrificing of first born children to his god. Speaking of god, God bless. Barack out!