If You Give A Unicorn An Uzi, by Esther Numeroff

If you give a unicorn an uzi, he's going to want to know why you're giving him an uzi. You'll probably have to tell him that it's because he's going to do your "dirty work." He probably won't understand that euphemism so you'll have to further explain that you're going to ask him to use the uzi to shoot someone, he'll probably object on moral grounds. If he objects based on moral grounds, then explain that the person doesn't deserve to live. He'll want to know why. You'll probably mutter that he's asking a lot of questions for a unicorn but then you'll go on to explain that this person, this bitch rather, is simply a worthless human being who contributes nothing to society, has never struggled (unlike yourself) and is living a perfect life with a perfect family in a house that's too good for her. That and she's racist. The unicorn will probably be taken aback by your outburst and given his inexplicable inquisitive nature will start with more questions, but you'll cut him off and say, "Just get your uzi and get in my Celica." If he's going for a ride he'll want to stick his head out the window. Once you get to your destination, a quaint cottage in Saranac Lake, you'll direct the unicorn to "Kick in the door, find the woman, say 'This is for Esther' and then shoot her up good." The unicorn is likely to object but you'll just have to start pushing him out and tell him that this woman once killed a whole family of unicorns just to watch them die and he'll -- Then suddenly the woman will come out the house and say, "Esther? What are you doing out there, come on inside!" You'll wonder if she saw the unicorn but he must've jumped out the window because he's suddenly disappeared. "Esther, come on inside! It's been so long, the kids want to see their aunt!" "I don't know, Laura," you'll say. "I was just coming up here to deliver something but I guess I left it at home." "You left it at home in Pittsburgh?" You'll start to scramble, trying to figure out how to salvage this plan that seemed so brilliant: One unicorn, one uzi, one dead over-achieving sister, for whom the world was always handed to on a silver platter! "Um, Esther, why don't you just come in, I'm sure you've had a long drive." Oh, that condescending tone! Oh, Esther! Here just take some of my "If you give a moose a muffin" royalties. Trust me, we'll be fine. Oh, Esther! Mom just bought the kids laptops for Hannukah! "Esther, you coming in?" "Oh you would just love that, wouldn't you! Me coming into your Crate & Barrel show room of a house to hear about Stevenson and Shelly and how gifted they are and how Luke just got offered to redesign Seinfeld's summer home and how you're starting a new children's book! Well I got a title for you: If you give a skank a nose job at fifteen!" Then you'll drive off and head to the nearest Burger King. And if you head to the nearest Burger King, the unicorn will pop back up in the backseat.  He'll want a #4.  If you give him his #4, he's going to want some ketchup.

Happy Holidays - from the Tae-Bo guy

Seasons Greetings!
It's me!  Billy Blanks! The black guy you associate with Tae-Bo - the all around best cardiovascular workout you can get in 30 minutes!  Actually, I'm the black guy you associated with Tae-Bo.  It seems that some of you have been duped by this Zumba nonsense.

Don't forget: Tae-Bo is the combination of Tae Kwon Do and Boxing.  Zumba is the combination of weak-wills and Jazzercise.  Let's see - what's going to help you more if you're getting mugged?  Some of my patented Tae-Bo moves or some whorish-Salsa dancing?  This is why Tae-Bo is still a solid gift to give this time of year.  Most of my videos have been adapted to dvds and my IT buddy Luke is working on the iPod app.

I know what you're thinking.  "Tae-Bo is soooo 1998.  This is 2012, Billy!"  Tae Kwon Do has been around for as long as there have been Asians and boxing for as long as there have been Irish.  My workout has deep cultural roots, unlike Zumba which is very Latino-centric. 

"But Billy!  Zumba contributes to charities like the Susan G. Komen Foundation!"  Forget all that.  A portion of my profits are going to Syria.  My PR lady, Monica, is working out the specifics.

So have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, or whatever gets your blood pumping (like my videos).
Billy Blanks
Tae-Bo CEO

Watch or Go Home, Please

Tonight, my 9-year old son and I attended the Astros vs. Brewers game at Minute Maid Park. It was an awful experience, as we witnessed our team get manhandled at the plate and on the mound en route to an 8-1 Brewer's victory. My wife, Sarah, is from the Milwaukee area and I've been to several Brewers games. They're a fun team to root for when they're not playing your home team. And though the lop-sided loss was another humiliating defeat for our team, it was an important victory for the Brewers as it protected their 3 game lead in first place in the division over the Cardinals, which is a team that is very easy to dislike if you're an Astros fan.

While I was at the game, I happened to glance at the flags on the left field wall, commemorating the years the Astros went to the playoffs. Two struck me in particular, the one when they won the NL West in 1986, and the one where they won the NL Central in 1997. An 11 year drought. After 1997 there were quite a few successful seasons, although it took another 8 years for them to finally break out of the first round, then win the NLCS, and get a shot at the World Series, only to get swept by the Chicago White Sox in four games.

I pointed this out to Jude. He is a die-hard Astros fan, with the loyalty and ferocity that a nine-year old boy has in spades for his hometown baseball team. But I wanted him to understand that it sometimes takes a team a while to build. My main concern is that many Astros game attendees (not necessarily fans) don't grasp this concept. I know this team is horrendous and has only dug itself deeper in a public relations pit with its fan base after the trades of two of its top players for prospects, but if you're going to go to the game, then go to the game to WATCH THE GAME. We sat in $11 seats and there was constant noise from conversations, and constant viewing obstructions from people walking up and down the aisles. They were oblivious to the game going on. The best part was in the 7th inning when, down 7-1, everyone starts doing the wave. I won't even get into the issue of this activity being banned at Arlington stadium, but what sort of moronic sport fan are you to instigate this when your team is being pummeled in a game you most likely paid no attention to, being played by guys who you don't even know because you didn't even bother to see who they traded Pence and Bourn for? What was more embarrassing was that there were a number of Brewer fans there and if there is one thing about Brewer fans it's that they are serious baseball fans, not the casual fans that are attracted to Astros games for the social environment.

These young players, Martinez, Sanchez, Bourgeious, Altuve, etc. are fun to watch because they're aggressive at the plate. They've gotten fairly lucky and have had some success, but that often translates into a lot of swinging strike outs, which is what they fell prey to tonight, making Matt Gallardo, a 12-7 pitcher, look like Greg Maddux. I recall watching Hunter Pence being very impatient when he first came up. Once he learned some discipline at the plate and let the game come to him, he forced pitchers to make pitches they didn't want to and the next thing you know he was on base either via a walk or a hit. The hope is the same happens for these guys. They have a lot of potential. But potential doesn't translate into wins.

Win, and it doesn't really matter whether it's a no-name on the back of the jersey, or a series of indecipherable symbols and hieroglyphs. But winning is key. And this front office of Wade and McLane has had trouble gaining trust from fans that they can scout and find good talent, and the poor guys on the field have an audience who is familiar with the name on the front of the jersey, but not the one on the back. So it's "OMG, when is the hot sauce packet race?" and "Aw shit, I just spilled nacho cheese on my favorite A&F shirt!"

So, while we're still grumbling about selfish NFL players and revving our disgust towards NBA players, make sure to spend time truly feeling sorry for your Astros who are busting their asses in front of a home crowd who are too busy tweeting to realize they're watching the future of this team, and confirming the fact that Houston sports fans are what the rest of the nation assumes we are: Fair weather fans.

Comments Written By Classmates in Abe Lincoln's High School Yearbook (If he's actually gone to high school)

Hey Abe!
Hope you stop growing soon, so you don't step on us! J.K.! Stay cool! - Stacy K.

Yo bitch!
Wazzup! We both now Abe dont really luv dem hos! I alwayz got yo back, fool! - Brian T.

Abraham,
You were a joy to have in class. Remember, if you shoot for the moon, you'll land among the stars. Sincerely,
Mr. Richardson

BALLS! YOU KNOW! - Mike "Logmaster" Y. P.S. - FAGGOT!!!

Abe,
U R such a cool guy. dont forget us when u get famous! - Melissa I.

A-Man,
Remember that time we locked schoolmaster Miller in the outhouse, stole watermelons from them negros and made out behind the haystack? i'll never forget - Amos G.

Myths about the health care bill that are actually true...that republicans don't want you to know!

#1
If you read certain parts of the bill backwards, you will summon the ghost of Michael Landon, dressed as Pa Ingells. He will try to have a bonding moment with you where he uses an analogy of breaking in a horse to explain why the economy is taking so long to recover. You don't have time for this, so quickly stab with him a spork while humming the theme music to Bonanza and he will dissipate.

#2
One provision of the bill allows doctors to prioritize patients according to attractiveness. Conversely, it also allows patients to pay doctors not based on their ability, but on their own attractiveness. This will ensure that if you are ugly, you might not get seen first, but if you can deem your doctor to be ugly, then you can opt not pay him/her very much. It's a win/win.

#3
Parents who cannot afford vaccines for their children can play "Vaccine Roulette," where upon the nurse shows them six syringes, five of which contain the vaccine and one which contains air. Good luck, poor dad.

#4
People facing end of life issues are not send to death panels. Instead, they're beaten to death with pieces from the set of "The Munsters."

#5
Doctors will be randomly selected and mandated to participate on a quiz show hosted by a pantless Paula Poundstone. The winner will get to keep their license. The losing physicians must report to Paula's dressing room to shave her back.

#6
Penile reduction is a necessary surgery for men whose penises are bigger than the current President.

SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL TEA PARTY!!!

Rejected Febreeze Odor Names as Commented on By My Father

Arabian Breeze
Enjoy the invigorating whiffs of refined petroleum. You know the smell; the smell of U.S. foreign oil dependency; of turning a blind-eye to horrendous human rights abuses against women and children in order to not rile OPEC. Enjoy your $2.60 gas, asshole.

Brazilian Carnivale
Ah, to be in Rio during Carnivale. The colors. The music. The vomit. The ball sweat. You like Brazil? Fuck you. Put your money where your mouth is and get a Brazilian wax, faggot. Get drunk and prance around in the street wearing nothing but a feather boa and a pair of cut-offs...on your head.

Island Refreshment
You think islands are refreshing, huh? A place for physical and emotional rejuvenation? What about American Samoa? Timor Leste? Hispaniola? Yeah, let's take a vacation to the Dominican! We'll stay in an aluminum shack, beg for pennies, and scout future baseball players. Then when life gets too stressful, we'll saunter on over to Haiti...

Green Meadows
Sure, green meadows. Why not? Better hope you don't have allergies. Ragweed. Pollen. Ants. Ticks. Eastern diamondback rattlesnakes. What? You're allergic to eastern diamondback rattlesnakes? Man, what a pussy. I love the smell of green meadows, don't you? Unless that green meadow is where cows graze because guess what...then it's also going to smell like cow-shit and cow after-birth.

Poop
Why even try to mask the odor of your feces? It's only a matter of time before the air in the bathroom is befouled again. What, is this the last time your shit is actually going to smell like shit? It's hopeless. Anyway, that's why they have matches. Oh, I see. The smell of your shit is too godamn good for matches. Well la-dee-frickin'-da. Hope you're not late for the opera, fag-a-rotti.

Porno Plots That Went Wrong

*If McSweeneys already has something like this (and they probably do) just know that the plagiarism is unintentional. Honestly.
Pizza Guy
Pizza guy comes over to deliver pizza to two scantily clad sorority sisters. When the girls discover they have no money, they offer an "alternative" payment for the pizza: Some ancient Roman coins that one of the girls' father found on an expedition in Italy. By coincidence, the pizza delivery boy is an archaeology major at the same college. The girl gives him her father's business card and the boy is able to intern with the professor. While serving as his intern, the professor dies in a tragic accident in Greece, leaving the young man with the task of telling his daughter about his untimely demise. Upon hearing the news, the girl is so overcome with grief that she is emotionally vulnerable. After a few weeks, her and the boy (who has been there for her during this time) have too much to drink and have sex. The next morning she apologizes and says she's not ready for a long-term relationship. The boy understands because he was actually attracted to the other girl from the beginning. After waiting the obligatory two days, the boy returns and asks out the other sorority sister. He gets a blow-job on the first date.

Pool Cleaner
Raul and Julio are cleaning the pool of a rich heiress. While the men toil, shirtless in the hot sun, the heiress sits poolside, sipping iced-tea, periodically letting ice-cubes melt on her heaving breasts. Suddenly, she asks the men if they are in the country legally. Raul and Julio reluctantly admit they are not. The heiress is not offended by this in the least and explains that her father, a staunch Democrat, actually gives money to La Raza, L.U.L.A.C. and other organizations that help illegal immigrants. Raul and Julio are surprised and then confess to the heiress that they were only cleaning the pool in order to scope out the mansion so they could break-in at a later time. Instead of being outraged, the heiress takes pity upon the plight of these men and offers them twice the payment. Raul and Julio humbly accept, finish their job, and leave. That night, Raul thinks of the heiress while having sex with Julio's wife.

Art History Professor
Langdon, a professor of art history at a prestigious university, has a crush on one of his female students. Not only is she hot, but she's totally into art history, especially the phallic imagery seen in many Mesopotamian sculptures. After one class, where she wears a blouse with a plunging neck-line, he invites her back to his office to show her a book on something or other. Once they are there, Langdon makes a point to stand close to her while reaching for a book, any book. There's an awkward silence. As Langdon goes in for the kiss, the young lady blurts out "Rape!" and runs from the office. Despite being tenured, Langdon is fired and in a cruel twist of irony, finds work at a art museum as a custodian. He's then fired from that job and arrested for using his cell-phone to take pictures of women while they are using the toilet. While in jail, he teaches a prison art class to the other convicts, one of whom, shanks Langdon with a paint-brush after he is too critical of the inmate's art. He is also sodomized.

Cable Guy
The cable guy comes over to fix the cable at Marie's house. Marie is showering when he arrives and has to answer the door wearing a towel that for some reason says "Fuck me, please." The cable guy goes to work on the cable and discovers that something has chewed through the outside line. In a rare show of honesty, the cable guy tells Marie that she should consider getting Comcast Satellite television, which is what he has in his own home. Marie says she's heard satellite t.v. is just as unreliable as cable and is skeptical of the cable guy. Suddenly another cable guy shows up who is actually the real cable guy. The first guy is really a Comcast employee who intercepted the service call. The two cable men engage in a fist fight in the front lawn. The fight ends when the second man bludgeons the Comcast guy with a pavement stone. The sight of the blood shocks the cable guy with the realization of what he's done and he runs off. Marie calls the cops and cries because she will miss "Damages." She has no other choice but to masturbate and cry herself to sleep.