If You Give A Unicorn An Uzi, by Esther Numeroff

If you give a unicorn an uzi, he's going to want to know why you're giving him an uzi. You'll probably have to tell him that it's because he's going to do your "dirty work." He probably won't understand that euphemism so you'll have to further explain that you're going to ask him to use the uzi to shoot someone, he'll probably object on moral grounds. If he objects based on moral grounds, then explain that the person doesn't deserve to live. He'll want to know why. You'll probably mutter that he's asking a lot of questions for a unicorn but then you'll go on to explain that this person, this bitch rather, is simply a worthless human being who contributes nothing to society, has never struggled (unlike yourself) and is living a perfect life with a perfect family in a house that's too good for her. That and she's racist. The unicorn will probably be taken aback by your outburst and given his inexplicable inquisitive nature will start with more questions, but you'll cut him off and say, "Just get your uzi and get in my Celica." If he's going for a ride he'll want to stick his head out the window. Once you get to your destination, a quaint cottage in Saranac Lake, you'll direct the unicorn to "Kick in the door, find the woman, say 'This is for Esther' and then shoot her up good." The unicorn is likely to object but you'll just have to start pushing him out and tell him that this woman once killed a whole family of unicorns just to watch them die and he'll -- Then suddenly the woman will come out the house and say, "Esther? What are you doing out there, come on inside!" You'll wonder if she saw the unicorn but he must've jumped out the window because he's suddenly disappeared. "Esther, come on inside! It's been so long, the kids want to see their aunt!" "I don't know, Laura," you'll say. "I was just coming up here to deliver something but I guess I left it at home." "You left it at home in Pittsburgh?" You'll start to scramble, trying to figure out how to salvage this plan that seemed so brilliant: One unicorn, one uzi, one dead over-achieving sister, for whom the world was always handed to on a silver platter! "Um, Esther, why don't you just come in, I'm sure you've had a long drive." Oh, that condescending tone! Oh, Esther! Here just take some of my "If you give a moose a muffin" royalties. Trust me, we'll be fine. Oh, Esther! Mom just bought the kids laptops for Hannukah! "Esther, you coming in?" "Oh you would just love that, wouldn't you! Me coming into your Crate & Barrel show room of a house to hear about Stevenson and Shelly and how gifted they are and how Luke just got offered to redesign Seinfeld's summer home and how you're starting a new children's book! Well I got a title for you: If you give a skank a nose job at fifteen!" Then you'll drive off and head to the nearest Burger King. And if you head to the nearest Burger King, the unicorn will pop back up in the backseat.  He'll want a #4.  If you give him his #4, he's going to want some ketchup.