What Do You Do With a Druken Sailor?...I'd Have Sex With Him.

by Jennifer Lewellyn, 38
Davis, California
manager, Blockbuster Video

So it's Saturday night and it's time for me to engage in my routine of watching MadTV, talking to my cat, snacking on some Keebler Elf treats and crying myself to sleep, as I listen to the sound of my ovaries dying. But a little song found it's way into my Scott Baio-obsessed brain: "What do you with a drunken sailor?/What do you with a drunken sailor?..." I don't know what most people in healthy, satisfying relationships would do, but I know what I'd do: I'd take him back to my apartment, make sure my mom was passed out from her meds and let him have sex with me for days on end.

They say every sailor has a woman in every port. Well I couldn't be happier with having a sailor in every one of my ports. It would certainly break up the monotony of get up, go to work, come home, eat a frozen meal, watch Lost, set the vibrator on "Viggo Mortensen," shower, and pass out. Yes, indeed.

All the movies and t.v. shows depict sailors as girl-crazy. Why not me? Sailors have been around forever. Certainly the odds are tipping in my favor. I'm so sick and tired of throwing myself at every Mr. Sulu who shows up at Trek-Con and getting nothing except an inadvertent ass-grab when they're really reaching for the door-knob of the restroom I cornered them in. Sick and tired.

Oh sure, I know about the other type of sailors: The gay ones. But my gay friend, Lyle, at work just got transfered, so I have no one to dish with; no one to discuss Brangelina or Bennifer with. So even if the sailor was gay, it'd make for good conversation.

Most people avoid sailors. Either because they're gay, or because of their unsavory reputations for having syphillis. Not me. When I see a car with the bumper sticker "My son's a sailor" or "Navy Mom" I'm so tempted to flag them down and ask for their son's phone number. Then meet him at Appleby's, get him drunk off Miller Lite Chill, take him home and ride him to sleep.

I'm hesitant to say that's my goal in life. That would just be sad. But it'd be nice to say I banged a sailor. I mean, it'd be nice to say it to my cat.