Curious George Becomes an Accomplice

This is George. He lives with his friend, the Man in the yellow hat. George was a good little monkey, but he was always curious. One night, George was masturbating while he waited for the Man to return from what he had called "a date with a hot piece of ass, named Geoff." George didn't know what that meant, but he hoped the Man would not get burned. Or trampled by the mule involved.

Suddenly the front door flew open and the Man entered. He was very sad and angry. "Godammit! Why does this always happen to me!?" The Man staggered over to the kitchen and began drinking water straight out of the bottle. "Story of my fucking life! I meet a nice guy -- a hot guy. Things are going well, and then he tells me I'm not his type. I sure seemed like his type when I was sucking him off in the dressing room at Old Navy!"

George was concerned. He stopped masturbating and walked over to the Man. "Oh, George," said the Man. "I wish my life was as simple as yours. Laying around all day, spanking your monkey." The man began to laugh and then began to cry. Then he did a silly thing! He started slapping himself in the face! "You're never good enough! You're never good enough! Geoff was right! Aaarrrggh!"

Suddenly, the man stopped and said "Well this time he's not getting away with it. Let's go George!" The man grabbed George and put him in the car. George liked going for rides, but it was very late and he was sleepy. "Don't go to sleep on me now George. Here, take this." The Man gave George some white powder in a baggie. George put some on his finger and tasted it. It made his tongue feel funny. "No, George, you don't eat it! You snort it! Like this." The Man took his hands off the wheel and snorted some of the white powder right up his nose, using a straw! "Now you try, George." George took the straw the man had used and snorted the powder. "There you go, George. Now you're big-time." George didn't feel "big-time." He felt a little sick. But there was no time for that now.

The Man stopped the car in front of a little house. "Okay, this is where that bitch Geoff lives." The Man noticed a Tercel parked behind Geoff's GEO Tracker in the driveway. "What's Dennis doing here?" Suddenly the Man got that look in his eye again. "MOTHERFUCKERS!" he yelled. The Man got out of the car and opened the trunk. He grabbed a can labeled "gasoline." He poured it all over the grass in front of the house. "There! 'I wear too much yellow' heh, Geoff? Well, we'll see how yellow you like your lawn...Yellow with fire!" The Man reached into his pocket and looked confused. "Dammit. I lent my lighter to Henry the other day. I need some matches."

The Man spotted an open window in the house. "Hey, George, I need you to crawl through the window and bring me some matches. Can you do that George?" George was actually feeling better than he did earlier. He truly felt "big-time." He felt "big-time" enough to crawl through that window and fight fifty baboons! George lept through the window. Except he was feeling so "big-time" he didn't even jump through the open one. He crashed into the one next to it.

"Oh, shit," whispered the Man. He stood on the lawn. He heard some yelling and some crashes. He heard Geoff shouting "I thought we said no animals this time! Not since the thing with the ferret, Dennis!" Then he heard Dennis shouting, "Well, if you untie me, asshole, I can help you catch that fucking chimp!" Suddenly George came crashing through another window. "Come on George, let's go!" shouted the Man. They both jumped in the car and the Man slammed on the gas and away they went!

As they were driving home, the Man said "Whew! That was some excitement, huh George?" But George was asleep. "Big-time" needed a nap. The Man saw something in George's hand, but it wasn't a box of matches. It was a prescription bottle with Dennis' name on it. The bottle also read Valtrex. "Well I'll be a monkey's uncle!" laughed the Man. He didn't stop laughing for fifty minutes.

The End